I'm not exactly sure when I realized it, but I'm over the whole "dreaming" thing agian. I'm tired of being disappointed in people. I'm tired of being disappointed in how things work out. I'm tired of being disappointed in myself.
September was an okay month. It made me happy. It made me hope. People became important. Someone became important. But now things are back to how they were before.
Blame me for quitting. Blame me for not being strong enough to make things work out. I can't save everyone. I can't really save anyone. If I can't save myself from slipping back into the same old habbits - the same red dress, the same bad influences, the same old picture - how am I supposed to conjure up the strength to make a difference to anyone else? Magic?
"All you need for magic is a wand, a magic book, a penny, and bubbles. But I don't know what the bubbles are for yet." --Theresa, my sagely 6 year old little sister
I can't let myself down anymore. I can't be everyone's strength. I can't be there for everyone. I probably shouldn't be there for anyone. I'm no good at it. I'm not a warrior meant to save people. I don't have the sword and armor bit. I don't even have the Amazon bit going for me either. I'm not a good example, I'm not a good influence, I'm not the catalyst in which to place your faith. I can't.
Hear that optimists and go-getters?
I CAN'T.
One day I'll make it for myself. One day I'll break through my own barriers and win. But not today. Not now.
September is over. I'm awake now. No more dreams. No more hoping. Just a whole lot of living. Alone. Without that hole in me filled. Without a perfect life.
I'm alone and it's probably a hell of a lot better that way.
t h e . l u n c h . g r o u p
AIU Online
At 2:56 AM,
Gato said…
As if we needed another example f how men just don't get it. Lol. Parden my amusement, you have to admit, its a little funny. And of all posts to randomly comment on...
Hang in there AJ. "Leave time to mourn but be sure not to rust because god knows the only one we have to truly fill us is us."-Terri Deletetsky. Eventually there will be that person, but in the meantime, there are so many other amazing things to feel and experience. Discover the many new types of fulfillment. Sometimes it seems silly to me that we tend to focus on one experience and attribute all value to it. In the meantime I'm glad you arn't settling. A relationship is suppose to be a partnership not doctor/patient relationship. You have too much self love for that mess.
At 4:37 PM,
Debaser said…
It's pretty late to post a comment to this but here goes: Your post rings very true to me. I'm glad that I'm not the only one that feels frustrated, passed over or expected from. It sounds to me like this is the end of a "summer romance"? Good things sometimes happen when you look your worst, care the least and want something completely different.
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