MERRY CHRISTMAS! HAPPY HOLIDAYS! HAPPY NEW YEAR! (Okay, maybe that last one is a little early but w/e).
Peter I have exciting news. I own Chicago. NOW, we can finally watch it. After all that struggle, I finally own one of the best modern musicals on DVD thanks entirely to Santa Claus. ^.^
I'm happy. I don't know if I told either of you about the cousins who never speak to me and their mother who's been Baker's Act-ed twice, etc....in other words, the 1/3 of my family who hasn't been too much family to us since Theresa's baptism. Well, included in this third are my mom's sister, Amanda (not Uh-man-duh...we pronounce it the Spanish way: Ah-mahn-dah), and her three kids: Theresa, and the twins Christopher and Elisabeth. Well, Beth is the cousin closest to me in age (3 years older) so growing up, I felt closest to her becuase Chris is a boy, Jeniffer and Theresa are both 6 years older, and Tom is 8 years older and a boy. Anyway, Beth was my idol and playmate for years. When she hit 15 (she was in 8th grade, we were in 6th) she decided that my perfect life made me a bad cousin. Our playtime became "I'm-better-than-you" time and she got into all sorts of things I didn't want to touch (alcohol, drugs, boys, etc). Finally, at my grandfather's feuneral, she declared she couldn't stand me and thought I was too young to be of any value to her, basically disowning me. A year later, at Tess's baptism, she snubbed me almost completely. After that, I haven't seen her once.
She and her siblings moved out of their mom's house and moved to N. Carolina. They've been in and out of high school and college at various times and Beth moved out to Washington state to go to school. I sent a graduation announcement to them and begged my grandmother for a year or so to pass messages to them, including my e-mail, cell phone, address, you name it. I never wanted them to just ignore me. Yes, their life has been extremely hard (that's another story) while mine has been quite wonderful, but that doesn't mean we can't be family anymore. It always hurt that they never sent me anything, never called, never bothered to see how I was doing, while I begged and hunted for any news of them. After a while I just accepted it. Their loss, right?
About two or three weeks ago, my grandmother finally got Beth's okay to give me her e-mail address. Instantly, I sent her a message, trying to sound mature and warm and natural. After all, despite my nerves, this was just my cousin. I was very surprised to get an answer. And not just any answer - one that was interested in what I had to say, in my life, our family. She's doing okay - majoring in history, dating some great guy...or...possibly a girl, I'm not sure...she keeps saying partner, which makes me very suspicious...and hopes to move to NYC or Boston when she can - and her life seems to be going on track.
(Just as an aside, I just realized that my cousin could be dating a girl. I went back through the e-mails, and she's never said anything about a guy. Not that it bothers me it just seems so completely uncharicteristic of her, being raised a very upstanding Southern Baptist girl...And another weird thing...she never signs the e-mails "Beth" and her e-mail registers her as "Kylen Clayton" not "Beth Clayton"...More family mysteries...she was always into family mystery...)
I'm just happy she cares enough to start an e-mail conversation. She sent me a Christmas e-mail and...well I'm just so happy to have my cousin back. Its a nice thing. Just wanted to share ^.^
Next week's schedule
Sun: 4-??? Peter/Kennon
Mon: Kat (after my appointment in the morning)
Tues: Appointment @ 3:30...out w/ Bri later?
Wed: Nada
Thurs: work 10-7
Fri: Nada -> New Year's Eve
Sat: First day of 2005; Nada planned
Sun: Church/Sunday School early; Youth from 5-7 pm
t h e . l u n c h . g r o u p
I'm in my room on my computer right now not studying. My french final is tomorrow. Maybe I'll go tomorrow and it will be optional. Maybe i can put my french book under my pillow before i sleep tonight and when i wake up tomorrow I will have learned french through osmosis. Maybe.
I want to be a street performer and make friends with the people who collect tolls at the t station and never have to pay. I want to live my life everyday through an artistic perspective. I want to spend my days having fun and making other people happy and then giving away all of my tips to other street performers who deserve it even more.
Maybe I could transfer to UCF and study performance voice like Nicole. Ohh.. too tempting, the deadline for fall term isn't till june and the application fee is only 30 bucks, and i still have my bright futures money.
Maybe i could take dance lessons and become a ballerina.
Maybe if I concentrate really hard, i can apparate to nassau island.
Maybe I can ride all of the t lines and become a t afficionado and stand in fanuel hall and direct tourists which line they want. Maybe i can pick up the accent. maybe if i stand outside naked i'll eventualiy acclimate to the temperature. maybe i can get a job at jones soda comming up with the sayings under the caps.
Maybe there is a minature immortal freud that lives in my magic 8 ball.
maybe if try hard enough i can convince my brain to not flip images so everything looks upside down.
Maybe If i concentrate hard enough i can cure cancer and lupus and viruses.
maybe jordan and I can solidify our career as song writers and travel the world on tour. Kari can come too, and so can the rest of the euro study group. we'll be "liberty, equality, sorority" and geoff and jordan and danny will be our groupies. peter can make the documentery about us, and we can do our own PR.
Maybe i can learn to fly.
maybe my laundry will get sick of being dirty and the fibers will fight the dirt and win. Maybe they'll realize i don't have quarters for the machine.
Maybe I should take a shower (should be a definate).
Maybe the goo goo dolls are my spiritual leaders.
Maybe I'll grow up to be a UU minister.
maybe its the little things that matter the most.
Maybe i should smile more at people when i pass them in the hallway. I might make someone feel better.
Maybe there is music in the sunrise.
Maybe i should open my french book and not just stare at the pictures.
Someone take the keyboard away....now... before i squander away the rest of my study time... Karen! Karen! help!... she's not comming. I can't stop typing. ouch!. ok, fine.
2 days till geoff finds out from harvard.
3 days till karen leaves Clark. :O( I don't want to be roomateless.
t h e . l u n c h . g r o u p
Only four more days till we know if Geoff is going to be a Harvard man!
t h e . l u n c h . g r o u p
Sorry I haven't posted in an aeon. For some odd reason, every time I signed on it transfered me to the Kevin something-or-other's dashboard. It was annoying. But it looks as though the problem is cleared up.
I've been exhausted all day. I woke up 15 minutes into my lit class w/ the director of the English dpt (last class of the semester and I break my perfect attendance record by being a half an hour late...). He was annoyed, but what could he do? My last 3 classes went well and now I'm in the English lab all by myself. I think I'll leave early today cause I don't like being here in such silence. Rick, Tina, and Manny are all writing papers for their Friday classes. My Friday classes are boring and dull. Highly unintellectual (except for orchestra which is a blessing and a curse).
I did a wonderful job on my presentation on Tuesday; my teacher even called it "masterful." I'm so proud. She's reputed to never give resounding compliments for student presentations and she came into the English Dpt. office afterwards and went on and on. And this is the woman (the illustrious Dr. Buck) who will be taking the proverbial whip to my hide next semester in the gurueling course, Introduction to English Studies. Basically, she'll be teaching me how to write. I'm good, but I'll be better.
And in response to your respective rants:
Peter: I totally agree. I hope you HAVE sent them a letter about all that. I think the only censorship bureau we should have is one for the English language in general to cut out the revolting grammer people use. Heck, I'd be fined twice before I got my butt into gear and started to speak properly. But I suppose we can't do that with an illiterate president...ooo...did I say that online?
Gato: I agree with you on many levels. What have I been saying for the past year about 28 year old guys? (Peter you'd better go from 27 to 29 when it comes your time...don't let me catch you turning into a 28 year old guy *shudder*) Their birthday comes around and they decide they want to be 15 again. They turn into not-so-gangily, scruffy versions of the hormone machines they used to be...video-gaming till all hours of the night, drooling at anything remotely female, giggling at generic words that can be distorted to something sexual, and the mentality factor splits right down the middle: half become apathetic about anything except themselves and half decide to pick up the nearest banner and run for the line of battle. In other words, I think they'll grow out of it. Then again, I'm an idealistic 18 year old girl. What do I know lol?
And to both of you: I miss you like crazy and LOVE reading your rants. That's why I suggested we start the board: because we always ranted together and it makes me feel close to you guys.
On that note, I'll be home next week! Thursday night to be exact. Friday's my anniversary, but after that I'm free. Let me know what you're up to!
t h e . l u n c h . g r o u p
I hate to make ranting a continual theme here, but these are just some fleeting thoughts I've had.
I listen to Eminem and can appreciate both him and maddox (maddox.xmission.com) for their humor on certain subjects, But i still think they are completely insensative. The two of them take such a scary stance on the treatment of women. There is so much chauvinistic garbage in their stuff, its hard to weed through to get to the actually funny and relavent material, like his comments about corporate america screwing their workers, or about immigrant workers; there are some decently good views there, and they're damn funny. I try to ignore their negative projections of women and the apathetic and violent sentiments, but after a while I find myself becoming desensitized from it all, and i don't want to start accepting these beliefs that prance across my ethical and moral line. i think they slowly condition us all to do this. I hate hearing my guy friends talk about how great maddox's woman bashing is. I had an aquaintance tell me once , in response to my saying that i thought he was sometimes out of line, that "he's not that bad. he's said in interviews that he's only like that on the website to make it funny". oh, Ok, i didn't realize how important it was to put an intire species of people down to be funny. sorry.
WHAT? I mean seriously. I'm sorry, in a world where i am already considered a second class citizen, i don't want to have to face more bullshit from bitter, apathetic 28-year-old lonely men and all of their underage clones. it bothered me to hear my friend accept all of that garbage so easily. Doesn't he respect me? Doesn't he have any respect for anyone? He didn't even understand how I could be offended by maddox's views. it unnerves me how desensatized people can become. Like Christian Bale's character in Swing Kids, "Arvid was a criple, he didn't belong anyway". Whatever. i'm just saying...
I don't know, I'm becoming less enchanted with wit everyday. Why does comedy have to be all about bitterness and apathy? Why does it take negativity and putting down a sex/race/religion/country/culture/lifestyle to be funny? the way i see it, theres enough shit in life as it is, i don't need to hear about your apathetic negativity, bringing me down and making me feel even shittier. All anyone is ever saying is a bunch of bitter apathetic bullshit. Sit down, shut up, and give me my check. i'm done.
Almost done. Sorry for my cynicism. I'm just blowing off steam. The thing is, I don't really know what to do with these thoughts. I'm not going to stop reading maddox's page, There are still many elements of it that i do enjoy. The same goes for Eminem. I like the few of his songs that arn't offensive, I just won't support him by buying an album because it would be supporting too many ideas that I don't agree with. Let me know what you guys think.
t h e . l u n c h . g r o u p
Its snowing here. its very fitting, its exactly how I feel here, cold and stark and vacant. Do you ever feel like there is a void in your life? I never have before. I've always longed to learn more, or to have different experiences, but never a feeling of emptiness. I guess its part of the adjustment process or something. I don't know. I thought I'd throw out some thoughts.
t h e . l u n c h . g r o u p
AIU Online
At 7:52 PM,
Anonymous said…
Did it occur to you that maybe I wasn't snubbing you. My mother kicked me out of her house when I was fourteen years old. That would be just before our grandfather died. If I remember correctly, he died within weeks of the kick-out. Now, think back to a time when you were fourteen. How much did you need your mother to be your friend and not the one abandoning you? I barely remember the funeral or your little sister's baptism because my life was a wreck. Thanks, by the way, for asking me if I was ok instead of airing my shit on the internet.
I had no choice but to live with my father who beat me for being a big ol' queer. That's right, I'm queer. I honestly don't see how that's a suprise, but that's ok.
Yes, my mother has been hospitalized a number of times. Once, when she found out that I wanted to date girls, she tried to kill herself by attempting to jump off of a bridge. Can you say guilt trip. Imagine you are me, a teenager, never even been kissed and this is the consequence of my "actions".
I didn't get into boys and drugs and all that, I waited until after graduation for that. I was being kicked back and forth between two parents who wanted nothing to do with me.
Oh, and yes, I changed my name to Kylen Ellwood Clayton, and I am referred to with male pronouns. I'm having surgery on my chest in a month and will be going on hormones soon. Looks like no amount of Christian indoctrination will work to ward off the big bad queers.
I'm hurt to read what you wrote about me 4 years ago. I had no idea you felt this way at all. My mother made it perfectly clear to me that she wanted nothing to do with me, and that your family wanted nothing to do with me. I've been on my own since then, with no family support to speak of. I have been well aware that the family wants nothing to do with me. I've told you just a bit of the truth behind what happened back then. I'm assuming you'll freak, think I'm disgusting, tell your mother, and have the rest of the fam talking behind my back again. If this is your reaction, please just don't. If not, I'll be suprised
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