You guys, I'm so sorry. Things have been mayhem around here. I've actually been keeping on top of things, but I let it slip yesterday and I'm in some "word-of-the-week" now (my dorm's substitution for the 4-letter synonym for crap). But that's okay.
I started a Live Journal too (thanx to Gato) and if you'd like to see my rants on oddities of life, to www.livejournal.com/users/blue_camel327 . Go figure huh? Anyway, I really don't have much to post. Maybe that's cause I've talked to you both fairly recently. Not much is new. Lots is going on, but I'm sure you don't want to hear about Medea or the Joshua 23-27 (Old Testament). Ugh. So, to show you both how much I love you, I'm posting my newest poem right here. Just for you two ^.^
"Gardens"
I
Glistening dew on timid petals
Dawn glowing ‘gainst watery glass
Mists hugging the trees and bushes
Velvet gauze for bridal veils
Silence shattered softly, sweetly
Footsteps on the garden paths
Masked by maker’s metered swiftness
Cloaked by urgent hope
Crisp air sizzles to blushing cheeks
Heartbeats deafen the heavy calm
Dry throat under woolen scarf
Moist palms under gloves
Eyes glance to the grainy shadows
Waiting for the right one to stand
Open his warm arms wide
And wrap her in their lover’s tryst.
II
The mighty oaks rouse the birds
Stretching their boughs of greatness high
Roots tickling the flowers awake
They always know first
The birds alert the tired bugs
Their nighttime refrain newly calmed
Songs chorused to beating wings
They call the cues and set the scene
Sleepy grass is last to know
Wrapped warmly in its dewy mantle
Finally throws away the shroud
Ready to join the cast
Colors bright, voices gay
The world revolves around them
Nothing cries morning quite like
A well-rehearsed garden
III
Busy hands tending sweetly
Taking pains to keep perfection
Stripping death away from life
Renewing hope, giving strength
Shadows gone, nothing but life
Glistening on a toiling face
Etching away the common strain
Gossamer rays of noon-day sun
Muslin dress, calfskin gloves
Iron shears, old straw hat
Sun-kissed freckles
Grace an ivory nose
Nursing what the hired help should
She gaily goes about her work
Happy to see it form
Beneath her loving hands
IV
Stayed and formal china
Straight-laced with chamomile
Poised on a silver platter
Docile roses, blush with youth
Watercress and strawberry tarts
Mingle with a tepid breeze
Happily married beneath a canopy
Of extravagant stripped elegance
Ivory gloves of antique lace
Stylish bonnets, freshly cut,
Don well-pruned ringlets and twists
Demure lilies of their age
Idle murmurs babble like fountains
Chatter for sophisticated company
Ever taking special care
That no one wilts over tea
V
Dampened heavy, stagnant air
Creeping in on silent toes
Shadows stretch across the lawns
Impending darkness mutes the day
Laughter slices through the eve
Children barefoot in the grass
Hands reaching, open wide
To catch their drops of lightning
Parents on the porch with fans
Anxious nurses clap their hands
With dreams of all the dawns ahead
Bedtime crawls ever closer
Nestled in their warm beds
Petals close with sleepy yawns
Nightingales lilt a lullaby
To sing the sun to sleep
VI
Glittering jewels and ringlet hair
Petals swaying, delicate couture
Always found in pairs, in bundles
Bouquets for the waltz
Music floats out to the garden
Borne by the golden candlelight
Rests softly on the balcony and trellis
Forgotten in shadows beyond
A lone buttercup steps out to the edge
Ready to taste the summer air
Unsuspecting, not believing
Tales of living shadows
A reddish glow and a plume of smoke
The only sign he dares to give
He the shadow-walker waits
Too happy to take his time
VII
Not a soul dares to move
Baited breath, hearts in throats
Waiting for the time to pass
Till sunlight reins again
Feathers ruffled, ever patient
Wisdom waits upon his perch
Moons for eyes he sees all
But never tells a soul
Strolling down the lonely path
Emerald eyes and raven hair
Evil beauty preys in silence
Lovely feline midnight
Curled up tightly in their beds
Mortals dream the moment away
Never knowing, not meant to know
The power coiled in darkness
t h e . l u n c h . g r o u p
Its been two weeks today since It happened. I'm feeling much better, I'm eating again and sleeping (sort of). I've been spending a lot of time with my new friends. The whole dorm experience is weird like that, since you don't have any family, your dorm mates take their place, its constant socialization, which I have to say hasn't been bad for me. They are very interesting people.
My birthday was a mixed bag. I went with some friends to the ren faire here and that was hard, like the ultimate Kat and Eston reliving relationship experience ever. It was very emotional for me and too drama filled. I am attracted to someone new. There, its out there. His name is Tony and he's really awsome. Anyhow, so I basically spent the day in emotional hell between reliving my year and a half relationship, and pondering my new feelings. Whats worse is that all of my new girl friends (almost) like him too, so thats added stress. Anyway, when we got back from the fair, I listened to my messages and broke down after hearing two from Eston, both very lovey dovey. I talked to Tony because I couldn't stand the thought of having another let down to deal with, and he said that he likes me too. Great. Now I can deal with this getting over Eston bullshit. awsome.
I don't know. The past few days have been kind of numb. I've been talking to my friend Ryan a lot. He reminds me of Trav in a lot of ways. He and I click real well and its nice to have someone like that here. I don't know. Its not that things are bad, I just have to get through them at this point. There is a lot to get work through. He was my first boyfriend. I've never done this before. I never imagined what it would be like. I'm just a little numb right now. A lot of staring out into space and thinking. More than usual anyway.
I've been busy with all of my rehersals. Tonight was jam packed, starting with Clark bars from 9-10 (short because of THE game, game seven of the play offs, for tose of you who don't know, the red socks are going to the world series! and everybody here is a complete nut over it!), then collegiate accapella (we sing musical numbers and arias), then Pippin rehersal. sleep is for the weak, I've decided. I havn't been feeling well, I think I'm getting sick again. The dizzyness has started and i'm tired and weak a lot, but I don't want to rest. Being in my room sort of depresses me. karen never gets herself out anywhere, and she complains and is depressed a lot, and it brings me down, and when i'm in my room with nothing to do i listen to Brian's emo music and compulsivly go through pictures and journals from last year. Its such a bad habit, the worst. self impossed sadness, and I don't even know why I do it. Its this longing to have all of that again. Bring Back the carefree days of Tail-gate Ponderings, car rides and "toxic", ice cream and the beach, movie nights and musings at 3am.
I don't know. Things are getting better. the only way out is through.
My mom is comming up in two weeks for parents weekend. Chorus and clark bars will perform, I'm excited. The musical seems to be fun. its not south, there isn't a chelsea or michelle or maiko or tori or nicole or kevy or rami or geoff, but there is the promiss of lots of fun that can only be had when a bunch of people get together to creat something wonderful and artistic.
I'll keep you guys posted, and I must say, you both need to post more often. Bad bloggers. bad bad bloggers. :O(
I'm full of crap. Its 3:25 am. I'm saying peace out. Zzzzzz..
Love Always,
Gato
t h e . l u n c h . g r o u p
Hey guys,
Life has been a challenge lately. The person I love told me that he dosn't feel passion for me anymore, that he hasn't "felt the same for a while". A while refers to since we've been back together, which has been about 5 months, so thats a long time for someone to keep quiet about not loving me anymore.No, thats not what he calls it, he loves me, its "just different now". Thanks.
I have been going through hell these last few days (it happened wednesday). I was so upset that the chest pains and the nausia started in. I couldn't eat anything for almost three days. there was (and is) a lot of crying. thanks out to Karen for putting up with the crying for 32 hours strait. I know I was a pain.
Its just sad... so many memories over the past year and a half. It feels like i've been shot through the heart, like i should be dead from this much pain. I just wish he had said something sooner instead of leading me on the past few months to believe that eerything was fine.
Thinking about it, I knew there were problems. I knew that it wouldn't last forever, but you can't imagine what it will feel like to wake up one day and have it all gone. so many memories......
I'm at the point now where i can rationalize again, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day. thats all i can do. I know that in the long run this ordeal will make me a stronger person.... but i still find myself in that state of mind. I wake up each morning and have to remind myself that it isn't there anymore, and then i have to inspire myself with a pep talk to get up anyway and try. My cousins have been comming in shifts it seems, every day i've spent time with krissy or johnny or mike. They are all angels. And i am so lucky to have some really wonderful kind souls at clark who have taken very good care of me before i came home this weekend. Thank you Allison and Allyson and Tony and Ryan and Christa and Karen. And Tori and Geoff and ricardo and mike and trav and nora for emailng and calling to make sure i am stable. In a strange way, i've never felt so loved.
Its almost as if this was a sign for me, letting me know that i finaly need to move on. Last year was great,the best time of my life, but its over now. I'm in college with new people and new relationships, new set of family to get to know (strange...divorce does that). I need to move on with my life. Tori is so right. If you spend too much time looking behind you, you miss whats in front of you. Thats my girl. Always kicking each other on track. I miss you. I even bought the bad girls guide to getting personal because i knew it was something you would read and I wanted to feel like you were here with me. I'm such a dork. Does anybody else place attachment to things that remind them of people they love?
In other news, i have a 15 page paper to do for my holocaust in history perspective midterm(and we all know that, thanks to the stellar academic teaching styles of my teachers from the florida public school system and their excellant grasp of valid college prep assignments, and my exceptional FCAT skills, kat has never written a paper. whohooo! awsome) assuming i don't drop the class, which i am really considering. the subject matter is truly depressing me right now, and the stress is more than i can handle. maybe i will take it at a more stable time in my life. Its funny, I told my auntie mare (the coolest person alive)i was having trouble in that class, adn she said that that was the class i should be doing well in. Its sort of funny how people assume that because you're jewish you should have this magical ability to get a's in jewish subject matter. Like the talent is in my DNA.
anyway, this entry is way too long. Sorry for my self-absorbed-ness. I hope you guys are having a kick butt time and doing well in all of your classes, and most of all, I hope all of your relatives and friends are healthy. So many of us are touched by illnesses like cancer. It feels like people are getting sicker younger and younger.And Its a shame about the passing of Christopher Reeves.
My grandmother and my aunti mare are the greatest. a round of tea for everyone on me!
rambling on,
Gato
t h e . l u n c h . g r o u p
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