Hey guys,
Life has been a challenge lately. The person I love told me that he dosn't feel passion for me anymore, that he hasn't "felt the same for a while". A while refers to since we've been back together, which has been about 5 months, so thats a long time for someone to keep quiet about not loving me anymore.No, thats not what he calls it, he loves me, its "just different now". Thanks.
I have been going through hell these last few days (it happened wednesday). I was so upset that the chest pains and the nausia started in. I couldn't eat anything for almost three days. there was (and is) a lot of crying. thanks out to Karen for putting up with the crying for 32 hours strait. I know I was a pain.
Its just sad... so many memories over the past year and a half. It feels like i've been shot through the heart, like i should be dead from this much pain. I just wish he had said something sooner instead of leading me on the past few months to believe that eerything was fine.
Thinking about it, I knew there were problems. I knew that it wouldn't last forever, but you can't imagine what it will feel like to wake up one day and have it all gone. so many memories......
I'm at the point now where i can rationalize again, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day. thats all i can do. I know that in the long run this ordeal will make me a stronger person.... but i still find myself in that state of mind. I wake up each morning and have to remind myself that it isn't there anymore, and then i have to inspire myself with a pep talk to get up anyway and try. My cousins have been comming in shifts it seems, every day i've spent time with krissy or johnny or mike. They are all angels. And i am so lucky to have some really wonderful kind souls at clark who have taken very good care of me before i came home this weekend. Thank you Allison and Allyson and Tony and Ryan and Christa and Karen. And Tori and Geoff and ricardo and mike and trav and nora for emailng and calling to make sure i am stable. In a strange way, i've never felt so loved.
Its almost as if this was a sign for me, letting me know that i finaly need to move on. Last year was great,the best time of my life, but its over now. I'm in college with new people and new relationships, new set of family to get to know (strange...divorce does that). I need to move on with my life. Tori is so right. If you spend too much time looking behind you, you miss whats in front of you. Thats my girl. Always kicking each other on track. I miss you. I even bought the bad girls guide to getting personal because i knew it was something you would read and I wanted to feel like you were here with me. I'm such a dork. Does anybody else place attachment to things that remind them of people they love?
In other news, i have a 15 page paper to do for my holocaust in history perspective midterm(and we all know that, thanks to the stellar academic teaching styles of my teachers from the florida public school system and their excellant grasp of valid college prep assignments, and my exceptional FCAT skills, kat has never written a paper. whohooo! awsome) assuming i don't drop the class, which i am really considering. the subject matter is truly depressing me right now, and the stress is more than i can handle. maybe i will take it at a more stable time in my life. Its funny, I told my auntie mare (the coolest person alive)i was having trouble in that class, adn she said that that was the class i should be doing well in. Its sort of funny how people assume that because you're jewish you should have this magical ability to get a's in jewish subject matter. Like the talent is in my DNA.
anyway, this entry is way too long. Sorry for my self-absorbed-ness. I hope you guys are having a kick butt time and doing well in all of your classes, and most of all, I hope all of your relatives and friends are healthy. So many of us are touched by illnesses like cancer. It feels like people are getting sicker younger and younger.And Its a shame about the passing of Christopher Reeves.
My grandmother and my aunti mare are the greatest. a round of tea for everyone on me!
rambling on,
Gato
t h e . l u n c h . g r o u p
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