So I definately have been hearing a crackling noise comming from my floor. Its 5 am, but theres no way i can sleep now. I'm from south florida, cockaroaches i can deal with. Mice? no. Thats a whole other ball park. hmpathumpa... I am affraid to go back to sleep now. can mice climb? I feel like such a stereotypical girl, lol, but I can't help it. i'd go and stay in a friend's room, but I am fairly sure that none of them are up.
So while i'm up, mind if I ramble a little bit? No? good.
In french today, the boy sitting next to me, Josh, read to the class this poem in french (we were suppose to bring a french poem to class for homework, which of course, being the punk that i am, i didn't bring one). It was about a boy who is sitting in class and gets so frustrated with the stress of the stupid material of the class and the fact that he's not learning anything new and exciting and his teacher constantly yelling at him, that he just gets up, runs over to the blackboard and erases the lessons on it and bursts out some colored chalk, and draws his impression of happiness on the board. My french teacher looked a little bit disturbed by this, but I was moved. it spoke to me. I feel like screaming aloud all the time in that class. Craziness. Two cool points for josh.
yesterday i wasn't feeling so hot, and I was on the phone with Tori, and i told her that I thought it was time for me to get off the phone, and she exclaimed," No, no, you can't go! You're my island of YAY!". It was too cute. I had to smile after that. its funny to think that even at my worst I am someone's island of yay. what a tori thing to say. I miss you. i'm so glad we're best friends.
I had an epiphany earlier tonight. Since we've broken up, all i've been able to think about were the good memories. Sort of like when someone dies, everyone can only think of good things to say about that person, or when you lose something, even if it wasn't something you particularly used often, suddenly you miss it a lot, and find yourself constantly in a situation where you could have used the very item you've lost. Its kind of like that. And then, while doing some free writing about my feelings, it just sort of evolved into this idea. I've been so busy feeling miserable over not having the good stuff anymore, that i wasn't even thinking about all of the bad emotional stress that our relationship caused me. I remember all of the concessions made on my part, all of the appologies i said to just keep things going, all of the feelings left unexpressed, because he never understood me very well, and I didn't want to make waves. Our relationship became more about damage control and less about being myself with him. I became a different form of myself. I couldn't share with him the parts of my life that didn't include him, and that was really bad for our relationship. I felt like I couldn't grow as a person with him, he sort of set this ceiling pretty low, and I just stuck with it and pretended to be ok with it. Like I couldn't be better, he never inspired me to become a better person, no challenge. I want better for myself than that. The last few months, things seemed like they had changed. he became less jealous and demanding of my time, and I felt like maybe things were looking up. I even began to feel differently, like maybe I was really in love with him. Now I know why things appeared to be better. it wasn't that he had realized he was too jealous or demanding or my time, it was that he had simply stopped caring about me the way he used too. And thats no good either. It was doomed anyway I look at it. And now that I am here, away at school in a very open-minded place of intellectual stimulation, i am bound to grow and mature and change, and I don't think he could have handled that. Maybe he was cutting his losses. who knows. All i know is, i'm cutting mine. In a lot of ways, he did me a favor. I've grown all i can from him, but now its time for me to do some growing on my own. it was a very productive relationship for me. I enjoyed many aspects of it, I have some beautiful memories, and this experience taught me a lot, but I think i'm ready to have new experiences.
So what do we think of this revelation?
Not bad, huh? i think i'm comming around. Given a little more time to adjust, I think I'll be fine. I called tori and we cheered together over my break through. It was a ya-ya sisterhood moment.
I hope you are doing well in your classes peter. I know that I am excited to pick new classes soon. I get to take a political science course, Roots of political thought( its also kind of cheating, its the history buffs political science class, just the thing for a history major disguised as a government major). i can't help it. mr. beasley has forever changed me!Mr. Beasley was our crazily awesome AP Euro teacher last year. He has infected me with his passion for social justice and european history and philosophy. it feels good to be inspired again. I have to wake up in four hours. Ha ha. Ha. mmmm...
Goodnight all. I'll run over to my bed quickly, see if I can't save myself.
Poor little mouse. if i knew it didn't have any diseases I would try and make friends with him.
Animal deprived,
Gato
t h e . l u n c h . g r o u p
Well i'm sorry that I havn't posted in a while. I got a live journal to express my frustrations about life so i wouldn't have to burden the two of you with all of my posts. Peter you should check it out if you ever get bored. Tori created one too, mostly because I created one, so she could read and comment and such, but she writes in hers too.
Things have been alright. I've been taking things day by day, momnet by moment. Today would have been our 19 month anniversary... I'm trying not to think about it too much... but i know some time in the next few hours I will expload. Its really hard. I've been trying to force it back, everything seems to trigger memories. I'm working on moving past all of this though. I can't lose sight of my future and all the wonderful parts of life that I love.
Classes are going alright. I'm having lots of trouble in french and music theory.. so maybe not alright... but i'm trying, and getting tutors, so hopefully things will work out. I'm excited about picking new classes. No more french! No more music theory! New, refreshing material that will hopefully make learning exciting again.
Anyhow, I want to thank you, Peter, for everything that you wrote. I appreciate it, and i hope things are going well for you at school and at home. :O)
Let us know.
Love Always,
Kat
t h e . l u n c h . g r o u p
Okay. So I'm sick of RETELLING the hell I went through last night. And I'm sick of thinking about the horrible nasty things said to me once my soon to be ex-roomate finally caught up with me. Condensed version: a lot of swearing, a lot of name calling, and a lot of hatered. I cried when she was done and gone (never let them see you cry). I stood up for myself, but I didn't resort to her tactics. I did curse, but I didn't call her names and I didn't direct the curses at her they were more...adjectives... Okay. No excuse on a daily basis, but she wasn't exactly making this an everyday tiff. It was bad. I was scared. So scared, that I'm sleeping in Tiff's vacant room for the night (she's at her fiancee's) and I'm moving in the morning. YES! Tomorrow really IS a BRAND NEW DAY with NO MISTAKES IN IT!
I'm so happy that I'm going, I could almost cry. I'm moving a floor down and across the bldg, but no matter. The girls there are nice (at first glance) and I might be really happy there, all hermited up in my room whenever I feel like it. No one coming and disturbing me unless I SAY THEY MAY. No one with a key but the RA's and ME. It's like I'm getting my freedom. Pure succulent unadultered FREEDOM. It's so glorious. No more worries for tonight. Silent room. Silent brain. Silent night. AHhhh the bliss.
I'm okay. Really I am. I was a MESS earlier. I was crying and depressed and trying not to throw up. But I"m okay now. I'm proud of myself. Proud that I'm moving on and out. Proud that I recognized a bad influence and instead of trying to save a useless friendship, I just got the crap (that word wasn't originally there...had to censor myself) out of there. No more high school manipulation. No more sobbing over downed expectations. I can look, analyze, and make a choice to take the risk or let it lie. And after all that gung-ho talk, I'm going to shower and go to bed. I'll try to be on later if possible =).
t h e . l u n c h . g r o u p
AIU Online
At 6:25 PM,
Victoria said…
It's interesting that the ever famous Gato is afraid of mice =). Not to say that I'm not. I'm just enjoying the irony. hehe...
At 12:26 PM,
Gato said…
lol. you're a punk.
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