So I definately have been hearing a crackling noise comming from my floor. Its 5 am, but theres no way i can sleep now. I'm from south florida, cockaroaches i can deal with. Mice? no. Thats a whole other ball park. hmpathumpa... I am affraid to go back to sleep now. can mice climb? I feel like such a stereotypical girl, lol, but I can't help it. i'd go and stay in a friend's room, but I am fairly sure that none of them are up.
So while i'm up, mind if I ramble a little bit? No? good.
In french today, the boy sitting next to me, Josh, read to the class this poem in french (we were suppose to bring a french poem to class for homework, which of course, being the punk that i am, i didn't bring one). It was about a boy who is sitting in class and gets so frustrated with the stress of the stupid material of the class and the fact that he's not learning anything new and exciting and his teacher constantly yelling at him, that he just gets up, runs over to the blackboard and erases the lessons on it and bursts out some colored chalk, and draws his impression of happiness on the board. My french teacher looked a little bit disturbed by this, but I was moved. it spoke to me. I feel like screaming aloud all the time in that class. Craziness. Two cool points for josh.
yesterday i wasn't feeling so hot, and I was on the phone with Tori, and i told her that I thought it was time for me to get off the phone, and she exclaimed," No, no, you can't go! You're my island of YAY!". It was too cute. I had to smile after that. its funny to think that even at my worst I am someone's island of yay. what a tori thing to say. I miss you. i'm so glad we're best friends.
I had an epiphany earlier tonight. Since we've broken up, all i've been able to think about were the good memories. Sort of like when someone dies, everyone can only think of good things to say about that person, or when you lose something, even if it wasn't something you particularly used often, suddenly you miss it a lot, and find yourself constantly in a situation where you could have used the very item you've lost. Its kind of like that. And then, while doing some free writing about my feelings, it just sort of evolved into this idea. I've been so busy feeling miserable over not having the good stuff anymore, that i wasn't even thinking about all of the bad emotional stress that our relationship caused me. I remember all of the concessions made on my part, all of the appologies i said to just keep things going, all of the feelings left unexpressed, because he never understood me very well, and I didn't want to make waves. Our relationship became more about damage control and less about being myself with him. I became a different form of myself. I couldn't share with him the parts of my life that didn't include him, and that was really bad for our relationship. I felt like I couldn't grow as a person with him, he sort of set this ceiling pretty low, and I just stuck with it and pretended to be ok with it. Like I couldn't be better, he never inspired me to become a better person, no challenge. I want better for myself than that. The last few months, things seemed like they had changed. he became less jealous and demanding of my time, and I felt like maybe things were looking up. I even began to feel differently, like maybe I was really in love with him. Now I know why things appeared to be better. it wasn't that he had realized he was too jealous or demanding or my time, it was that he had simply stopped caring about me the way he used too. And thats no good either. It was doomed anyway I look at it. And now that I am here, away at school in a very open-minded place of intellectual stimulation, i am bound to grow and mature and change, and I don't think he could have handled that. Maybe he was cutting his losses. who knows. All i know is, i'm cutting mine. In a lot of ways, he did me a favor. I've grown all i can from him, but now its time for me to do some growing on my own. it was a very productive relationship for me. I enjoyed many aspects of it, I have some beautiful memories, and this experience taught me a lot, but I think i'm ready to have new experiences.
So what do we think of this revelation?
Not bad, huh? i think i'm comming around. Given a little more time to adjust, I think I'll be fine. I called tori and we cheered together over my break through. It was a ya-ya sisterhood moment.
I hope you are doing well in your classes peter. I know that I am excited to pick new classes soon. I get to take a political science course, Roots of political thought( its also kind of cheating, its the history buffs political science class, just the thing for a history major disguised as a government major). i can't help it. mr. beasley has forever changed me!Mr. Beasley was our crazily awesome AP Euro teacher last year. He has infected me with his passion for social justice and european history and philosophy. it feels good to be inspired again. I have to wake up in four hours. Ha ha. Ha. mmmm...
Goodnight all. I'll run over to my bed quickly, see if I can't save myself.
Poor little mouse. if i knew it didn't have any diseases I would try and make friends with him.
Animal deprived,
Gato
t h e . l u n c h . g r o u p
AIU Online
At 6:25 PM,
Victoria said…
It's interesting that the ever famous Gato is afraid of mice =). Not to say that I'm not. I'm just enjoying the irony. hehe...
At 12:26 PM,
Gato said…
lol. you're a punk.
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